A man walks into a bar. He has a headache the next day.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.
I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
My dog swallowed my engagement ring. I ended up with a diamond in the ruff.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
A hungry TRAVELER stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't Peso much.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.
I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.
If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.